01/14/05 There's a Brass Monkey at the Door...

Sweet merciful Jesus, it was minus 44 today. What kind of sinister plan was involved to convince people to live here? Someone clearly didn't have his or her thinking cap on at the time. The only place colder than here is the bleak vacuum of space. At least astronauts get that great space suit thingy. I bet that's nice and toasty.

I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to the time that man stood up on two feet and pronounced that it was time to migrate to the north. I would throw a rock at him. A big one, and most likely a very sharp one. I'd skim it right off of the top of his noggin.

I'm willing to bet this is exactly how the whole northern migration thing played out.

Tribal Chieftain: We shall move north to the frozen lands…

Man with a shred of common sense: Um… That's a splendid idea sir, but… see it's like this… you are aware that we are hairless apes… I mean… you did know that right?

Tribal Chieftain: Nonsense… Our enduring spirit and intrepid nature will permit us to thrive in the land of the white, hungry bear…

Man with a shred of common sense: Um… I'm glad you feel that way sir, but there's this thing called frost bite…

Tribal Chieftain: We shall wear the skins of animals for warmth…

Man with a shred of common sense: I need a rock… a sharp one…

Now I realize that I should be used to the cold, because I live in Canada, and because winter comes every year, but I'm really starting to think there is something to this whole global warming thing.

So I have a plan... Instead of adopting the Kyoto accord, let's trying going the other way. I say we give CFC's to every Tom Dick and Mohammed on planet earth. Spray away. It should be a law that childern have to bring a spray can to school every day. We need more styrofoam too... Dammit we need mountains of the stuff. Everything should be made out of it. I want a styrofoam car, house, and office building. Come on people... you gotta do your part... Time to heat this mother fucker up.

Anyone seen carpooling should be arrested. The new rule is one person per automobile. Now, If only there was a way to drive two cars at once. Anyone caught not driving a SUV will be shot. It's time to lobby our leaders to make some serious changes... I have the blue print for the new world order... and it's all based on the need to be warm and toasty.

Every citizen will now have to "heat the outdoors." you must leave your house doors and windows open for at least four hours a day with the heat on full blast. Burn Baby Burn...