The Cult...

I’ve decided to start my own cult. Initially the idea came to me as a tax dodge. I figure the less of my money “The New Canadian Government” gets the better. Since religious organizations (i.e. Churches…) get enormous tax breaks, I thought perhaps it might be time to investigate the concept further.

I first thought about a more legitimate sounding churchy type thing. But the more I labored over the idea, the clearer it became that it must be a cult. After taking a gander at the success the Mormons’ have had with theirs, it occurred to me that I could really have some fun with it.

As with any good cult, you need a killer name. A bad name can be a real deal breaker. Given the failure of some really cool cults with crappy names (Moonies, Raliens… etc…) it’s fairly obvious to me that it’s got to be a real zinger. Those crazy like a muthafucka Scientologists picked a real gooder, and look at the mileage they’ve managed to squeeze out of it. (Tom Cruise has kinda become their pope, and I have got to say, that is totally fuckin’ awesome. That poor bastard blurts out the most amazing rubbish with the conviction and sobriety of a judge. I admire that.)

So I bashed it around for a while, I kept coming back to one called “The Church Of Jesus Christ, Scientist.” It’s brilliant. To me I imagine Jesus peering through a microscope, perhaps adjusting the lens a little, then looking up and saying something like “Egads… I’ve discovered sin…” or some other such nonsense. I decided to spoof it a little. So without further ado, here it is. “The First Church or Marcus, Miscreant” I think it has a ring to it.

Now some cults have some really neat practices. The Raliens for instance believe in-group sex (with or without clones…), and wear really funny clothes. The Moonies got down and got into mass weddings. My favorite though is the Mormons. Just cause they’re a little nutty. They really think they’re normal. It’s kinda sweet, in a “There’s a sucker born every minute” way.

For some reason I picture Mormons praying to a giant robot. (Oddly enough named “Mormon.”) In my head it eats puppies and shits out dogma. (Punny I realize…) I’m almost certain this doesn’t actually happen, but hey… It’s my imagination!!!
If you are a Mormon, and I have offended you with this, you need better hobbies than reading my drivel.

Getting back to my cult for a moment…

I think the functionaries of my new “spiritual organization” should wear tweed jackets and Chuck Taylor’s in place of any more formalized vestments. Instead of using liturgical silver of any sort, I figure slurpee cups should do nicely. The cheaper and less formal this whole thing is, the better. To my way of thinking, comfort brings us that much closer to enlightenment anyway.

Instead of passing around a sacrament of bread or wine, I think huffing gas fits better. Again, it’s cheap, and it gets you fucked up. How can that be bad? (High and frugal, it’s hard to believe it’s legal. And tax breaks, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me…)

More important to fathom is the language used to entice what will be the rank and file members of the cult. Gone are the Amen’s, and the Testifies… In my organization, a simple “Giver” is all that is required. It’s nothing that isn’t already in the common lexicon of your average Canadian. Sure it’s a little low brow, but I’m not looking for Oxford scholars here. Without the schmos (see “The Faithful” in the dictionary…) this whole thing will head straight for the shitter.

I think it might be mighty amusing to serve Kool Aid to my committed flock. (Someone’s gotta drink it.) This cult is going to be awesome, and will likely taste great too. “OH YEAH!

As the spiritual leader of this newfound faith, my entourage must be heavily laden with preening Thai Lady boys. Nothing lends credibility like a collection of “rent a hermaphrodites.” Screw you Gwen Stephanie, I got me an Asian posse too.

Anyhoo, more to come as I think of it.