Hopefully at some point over the next 48 hours, I'll have posted some live performance video clips on the page. I've been wanting to for some time, but I just never seem to be able to get to it. My humble little life is more hectic than one might initially imagine. (Or so it seems lately.)
I've had the last four days off, and you'd figure that sounds like enough time to get in some rest, and get down to the "business end" of stand up land. No such luck for me. I did manage to squeak in a hockey game on Sunday, but the rest of my time was taken up with other obligations. I tried working on some stuff tonight, like disc replication, and I managed to make a whopping total of one! (Now that's productivity…)
Needless to say, I've been out of the loop lately. It took my army of Myspace spies to clue me into the whole Britney "haircut" incident. Normally I'm on this stuff like flies on proverbial shit, but I missed this one. Mind you, I've been trying to severely curtail my watching of all things infotainment related. (I believe it's killing me, and blackening my soul.)
Truthfully I believe that smoking is far less harmful than infotainment. I may be killing myself slowly with every sweet, and lovely lingering drag, but at least I'm generally conscious for it. Once the TV hits "Entertainment Tonight"; my brain turns to a sort of frothing, undulating, angry mush. The sad part being that I sop this shit up like bread in a pan of gravy.
I rant and rave about how socially fucked the entertainment industry is (the irony of me being an entertainer… Well that just might kill me faster…), and regardless I permit myself to have my intelligence insulted in hourly chunks like I'm fully retarded. (Sponsored by Pepsi…)
But I digress…
I wanted to take a kick at Britney, but she's already doing a better job of it than I could ever hope to do. Its looks as if the 8:15 to Whacko Town is right on schedule. (She should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque…)
I feel no swell of pity for her. It's nice to see a superstar see that "real life" is a great big steaming bag of shit sometimes.
Here's a fun checklist. It's a step by step on How Brit got to here. Lemme Know if I missed something.
1) As a child, go to a zillion talent contests. Win some; lose some (Then get hit with a wire hanger…)
2) Get on the New Mouseketeers; meet future boyfriend, and not one but two future mortal enemies.
3) Play the virginal good girl card, even though it's rumored that Daddy got you new tits, and you dance like you just might have a future as a call girl.
4) Make a shitty movie that everyone hates. (Even good ole Grammy and Grampy want their money back. Cause let's face it; even "Plan 9 From Outer Space" was less wooden and forced…)
5) Dump Mouseketeer boyfriend, and make a huge public spectacle of it. The louder the better. Now is the time to pitch that whole virgin thing.
6) Marry a "friend" then have it annulled the very next day. When the media asks, "What on earth is this all about?" Just tell them something stupid like "I just wanted to know what it was like to be married."
7) Marry the male "Anna Nicole" and grunt out his love puppies. Support his lazy ass, and help him crank out a piece of shit hip-hop album. (One that gives Vanilla Ice instant street cred…)
8) Make a home porno flick with Male "Anna Nicole."
9) Drop your baby, and have social services pop by for a "visit"
10) Dump Male "Anna Nicole" and Party hard with Paris Hilton. Make sure to show your shaved "cooter" to the paparazzi.
11) Meet halfway credible musician, play head games with him, and watch him head for the hills as fast as his little legs can carry him.
12) Dump Paris.
13) Shave head.
Anyhoo more to come as I think of it.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Don't Get VD!
Why do we really celebrate St.Valentine's Day? Every single person I know hates it. There's a level of bitterness towards this yearly event (Not holiday… No day off equals no holiday... Besides St. Patrick and his travelling snake act don't get one so why should good ole Valentine?) that makes even my head spin.
The first thing I noticed about this day, when I say it's name out loud, is that "Saint" has been all but completely truncated from the name, in favour of the less obviously religious Valentine's Day. This is dumb. The original point of the day was to honour a man who was murdered for his beliefs. (A martyr… that's kinda sexy…Right?) I'm not so sure that romantic love was ever intended to be celebrated on this day. "Hey Honey, did you hear? Valentine got torched on a stake, now let's fuck…)
How we got to roses, candies, and tacky cards with even tackier sayings is a real mystery to me. (Very much like, "Hey our Lord and Saviour has been born, let's cut down a tree, bring it in to the house, and cover it with shiny shit.") But you can bet that the chairman of the board and Hallmark gets pretty randy looking at all those sales figures.
Near as I can tell, this day is for the young, and those who are stunted emotionally. (Although I do know some seemingly rational and sane people who do enjoy the day…) "Red roses will best express my love… YEECH!)
Every Valentines Day I've ever had the interesting fortune to be apart of, has in a word Sucked! It's has the same level of expectations that New Year's Eve has, and just as much of the let down. (Baring of course, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre… which must have been a hoot. Nothing says lovin' like gangland reciprocity.)
Before I got married, I used to spend this blockbuster day going to the annual "Elvis Presley" impersonators at the Ship and Anchor. I always thought that was the perfect antithesis to Valentine's Day. Fake fat Elvis and I, getting smashed and both touching ourselves in a wildly inappropriate fashion. "Fools rush in my ass!"
For the record I hate cinnamon hearts for two reasons, 1) to me they taste like the crud that forms on the lip of the cough syrup bottle after it's been in the fridge for a few months. (Don't judge me!) And 2) that's not cinnamon, that's a crime. What retard invented this crap? Apparently taste buds were not factored in as a requirement of the job.
The first thing I noticed about this day, when I say it's name out loud, is that "Saint" has been all but completely truncated from the name, in favour of the less obviously religious Valentine's Day. This is dumb. The original point of the day was to honour a man who was murdered for his beliefs. (A martyr… that's kinda sexy…Right?) I'm not so sure that romantic love was ever intended to be celebrated on this day. "Hey Honey, did you hear? Valentine got torched on a stake, now let's fuck…)
How we got to roses, candies, and tacky cards with even tackier sayings is a real mystery to me. (Very much like, "Hey our Lord and Saviour has been born, let's cut down a tree, bring it in to the house, and cover it with shiny shit.") But you can bet that the chairman of the board and Hallmark gets pretty randy looking at all those sales figures.
Near as I can tell, this day is for the young, and those who are stunted emotionally. (Although I do know some seemingly rational and sane people who do enjoy the day…) "Red roses will best express my love… YEECH!)
Every Valentines Day I've ever had the interesting fortune to be apart of, has in a word Sucked! It's has the same level of expectations that New Year's Eve has, and just as much of the let down. (Baring of course, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre… which must have been a hoot. Nothing says lovin' like gangland reciprocity.)
Before I got married, I used to spend this blockbuster day going to the annual "Elvis Presley" impersonators at the Ship and Anchor. I always thought that was the perfect antithesis to Valentine's Day. Fake fat Elvis and I, getting smashed and both touching ourselves in a wildly inappropriate fashion. "Fools rush in my ass!"
For the record I hate cinnamon hearts for two reasons, 1) to me they taste like the crud that forms on the lip of the cough syrup bottle after it's been in the fridge for a few months. (Don't judge me!) And 2) that's not cinnamon, that's a crime. What retard invented this crap? Apparently taste buds were not factored in as a requirement of the job.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I'm Fucking Freezing...
It's cold here. Not Nunavut cold, but cold enough for sure. The people who live that far up north need help. I would argue it to be a very special kind of help. The cold has clearly frozen them on the spot, and is sucking their will to live even as you read this. Hell, not even thoughts can form in that kind of cold. Having them live there is cruel. I wouldn't wish that on an enemy let alone some poor schmuck.
Whoever it was that decided to come settle in North America (I'm looking at you Vikings… and you too Plymouth Rock people…) really should have been shot for even suggesting it. Not just shot, but dragged into the town square and flogged mercilessly first, and then had a nice lemon juice and turpentine bath… and then shot!
Even better yet, strap the bastards naked to a tree in the dead of winter, and spray it down with a fire hose until all of them were encased in ice. That would have changed a mind or two I'm willing to bet.
Sure there are lots of historical arguments about "Religious Freedoms," and "Natural Resources" to consider when thinking about the initial migration to North America, but in the end, were they worth living and trying to function in a cold climate? I think not.
It was as if the early settlers (Lord Baltimore for instance…) came up along side the continent and said "Close enough Fuckers…" and then never bothered to look any further. They just stood there, scratching their frozen balls. "Well, this is a little colder than perhaps I would have liked, Hey… Why is Dave turning blue?"
The Spanish on the other hand, were smart enough to keep looking, and were rewarded for their efforts with Mexico and California. Meanwhile the French and English just kept bickering and shooting at one another. Sort of a "I claim this frozen chunk of crap for France" or "On behalf of Her majesty The Queen, I proclaim this to be our icy Hell Hole" kinda thing.
The older I get, the less and less I'm impressed with the cold. Sure global warming is making the winters here a little easier, but it's just not enough. Any number of degrees below zero is too many degrees below zero as far as I am concerned. There is snow in my car, and it refuses to melt. That's just not right.
No amount of wool or Gortex is ever going to satisfy me. I hate the cold. Plain and simple. The only thing I enjoy outdoors in the winter is a pick up game of hockey, and even then, picking the icicles out of my hair afterwards in not even close to my idea of fun. Humans were not designed for this.
Just once in our evolutionary path, could we skip trying to live outside of our ideal conditions?
Anyhoo enough Bitching for now…
Whoever it was that decided to come settle in North America (I'm looking at you Vikings… and you too Plymouth Rock people…) really should have been shot for even suggesting it. Not just shot, but dragged into the town square and flogged mercilessly first, and then had a nice lemon juice and turpentine bath… and then shot!
Even better yet, strap the bastards naked to a tree in the dead of winter, and spray it down with a fire hose until all of them were encased in ice. That would have changed a mind or two I'm willing to bet.
Sure there are lots of historical arguments about "Religious Freedoms," and "Natural Resources" to consider when thinking about the initial migration to North America, but in the end, were they worth living and trying to function in a cold climate? I think not.
It was as if the early settlers (Lord Baltimore for instance…) came up along side the continent and said "Close enough Fuckers…" and then never bothered to look any further. They just stood there, scratching their frozen balls. "Well, this is a little colder than perhaps I would have liked, Hey… Why is Dave turning blue?"
The Spanish on the other hand, were smart enough to keep looking, and were rewarded for their efforts with Mexico and California. Meanwhile the French and English just kept bickering and shooting at one another. Sort of a "I claim this frozen chunk of crap for France" or "On behalf of Her majesty The Queen, I proclaim this to be our icy Hell Hole" kinda thing.
The older I get, the less and less I'm impressed with the cold. Sure global warming is making the winters here a little easier, but it's just not enough. Any number of degrees below zero is too many degrees below zero as far as I am concerned. There is snow in my car, and it refuses to melt. That's just not right.
No amount of wool or Gortex is ever going to satisfy me. I hate the cold. Plain and simple. The only thing I enjoy outdoors in the winter is a pick up game of hockey, and even then, picking the icicles out of my hair afterwards in not even close to my idea of fun. Humans were not designed for this.
Just once in our evolutionary path, could we skip trying to live outside of our ideal conditions?
Anyhoo enough Bitching for now…
Monday, February 12, 2007
Just like Anna Nicole Smith, today is a double whammy.
Sometimes it's hard not to speak ill of the dead. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help myself. Last week Anna Nicole Smith expired, and in my heart of hearts, I wanted to feel like it just might be a good thing. I tried really hard to revel in it, but I just couldn't find the feeling. Instead I felt a sense of sadness.
Normally I tend to rejoice when a "Star" who's skill set is as heady as pamphlet for carpet cleaning gets it's mortal coil snipped. I usually find a certain sinister comfort in it. (It's like Mother Nature has struck a blow, or the earth is righting itself in some fashion)
Mind you, the skills she did have, while few in number, did propel her into the spot light. Few people on this planet looked as good naked, and fewer still know how to use those "advantages" to the same level that she had. I would argue that she was "The New Lesser Talented Marilyn Monroe."
In the past I had trivialized her as "The World's Hottest Hillbilly" and "The Most Shameless Gold Digger in Human History." But I'll admit, I loved her insanity. There were moments where it bordered on sheer brilliance. This of course being the counter balance to how cruelly stupid she made herself appear to be. I feel safe in attesting that this was nothing but cold calculation on her part.
She certainly wasn't the most socially graceful person on the planet, not really much more than an unfortunate cross between Yosemite Sam and Jessica Rabbit. (With a note worthy pill addiction…) and her southern drawl sounded more like someone who lived in a trailer, and lot less like someone attending a cotillion. (I suspect there were very few mint juleps on the lanai in her life time.)
But what is most important is that she was human, just like the rest of us. Maybe I'm getting old, but that notion rings a lot less hollow than it used to for me. Instead of the glib hatred, I have only sadness. There was a life that was far from ordinary, and yet it still managed to get wasted. That truly is a tragedy.
Normally I tend to rejoice when a "Star" who's skill set is as heady as pamphlet for carpet cleaning gets it's mortal coil snipped. I usually find a certain sinister comfort in it. (It's like Mother Nature has struck a blow, or the earth is righting itself in some fashion)
Mind you, the skills she did have, while few in number, did propel her into the spot light. Few people on this planet looked as good naked, and fewer still know how to use those "advantages" to the same level that she had. I would argue that she was "The New Lesser Talented Marilyn Monroe."
In the past I had trivialized her as "The World's Hottest Hillbilly" and "The Most Shameless Gold Digger in Human History." But I'll admit, I loved her insanity. There were moments where it bordered on sheer brilliance. This of course being the counter balance to how cruelly stupid she made herself appear to be. I feel safe in attesting that this was nothing but cold calculation on her part.
She certainly wasn't the most socially graceful person on the planet, not really much more than an unfortunate cross between Yosemite Sam and Jessica Rabbit. (With a note worthy pill addiction…) and her southern drawl sounded more like someone who lived in a trailer, and lot less like someone attending a cotillion. (I suspect there were very few mint juleps on the lanai in her life time.)
But what is most important is that she was human, just like the rest of us. Maybe I'm getting old, but that notion rings a lot less hollow than it used to for me. Instead of the glib hatred, I have only sadness. There was a life that was far from ordinary, and yet it still managed to get wasted. That truly is a tragedy.
Update...
Last week turned out well. I put five shows in the can, and there wasn’t a stinker in the pile. I like weeks like that. I managed to video tape all of them too. (Keep your eyes peeled over the next little while, because I will be replacing the audio on this Myspace site with shiny new video clips.)
I had a few hecklers along the way, and I dispatched them with relative ease. Normally I like to play with them for a bit before I smack them down, (Like a cat with a mouse, or Conservative with a Liberal…) but on the Friday late show I had one that made me angry! I wound up stepping out of character for a minute to roast him… I came out swinging, and I hit way harder than I need to. I have to admit, it felt good, but I really could have been gentler and still got my point across.
The end of the week also spelled the end of a visit with a good friend. One of my most favourite comics to work with went back to America on Sunday. The weather here was less that favourable, and I really wasn’t envious of his planned one day trek back to Tacoma. (In truth, I think I would have preferred a root canal, or an “unexpected” toe nail removal.)
Other Stuff,
I’ve started thinking in earnest again about making a DVD. My last attempt at the process was less fruitful that I had hoped, but now I think I see what mistakes were made, and feel ready to entertain the notion again. Hopefully I can get it sorted out in the spring, and release it for the fall. I would really be happy with that timetable for sure.
After this most recent flurry of activity, I have some time away from stand up. I have a couple of shows on the 24th of this month at Yuks here in Calgary, but from that point on, I have some time off. I’m looking forward to that. The day job combined with the night job can really beat the life out of me, so a few weeks with just one will seem like a vacation. (Yeah right!)
This weekend is a really long one for me. I get both Friday and Monday off. I like that. 4 days of doing nothing but napping, eating, and hopefully more napping. I might take some time to play with the cult thingy again. I really need to create a new “myspace” site and dedicate it to the construction of this “order.” I will need your help dear friends to help propel it to super star status. (The more I think about it, the more myspace really needs a cult…)
Anyhoo, more to come as I think of it.
I had a few hecklers along the way, and I dispatched them with relative ease. Normally I like to play with them for a bit before I smack them down, (Like a cat with a mouse, or Conservative with a Liberal…) but on the Friday late show I had one that made me angry! I wound up stepping out of character for a minute to roast him… I came out swinging, and I hit way harder than I need to. I have to admit, it felt good, but I really could have been gentler and still got my point across.
The end of the week also spelled the end of a visit with a good friend. One of my most favourite comics to work with went back to America on Sunday. The weather here was less that favourable, and I really wasn’t envious of his planned one day trek back to Tacoma. (In truth, I think I would have preferred a root canal, or an “unexpected” toe nail removal.)
Other Stuff,
I’ve started thinking in earnest again about making a DVD. My last attempt at the process was less fruitful that I had hoped, but now I think I see what mistakes were made, and feel ready to entertain the notion again. Hopefully I can get it sorted out in the spring, and release it for the fall. I would really be happy with that timetable for sure.
After this most recent flurry of activity, I have some time away from stand up. I have a couple of shows on the 24th of this month at Yuks here in Calgary, but from that point on, I have some time off. I’m looking forward to that. The day job combined with the night job can really beat the life out of me, so a few weeks with just one will seem like a vacation. (Yeah right!)
This weekend is a really long one for me. I get both Friday and Monday off. I like that. 4 days of doing nothing but napping, eating, and hopefully more napping. I might take some time to play with the cult thingy again. I really need to create a new “myspace” site and dedicate it to the construction of this “order.” I will need your help dear friends to help propel it to super star status. (The more I think about it, the more myspace really needs a cult…)
Anyhoo, more to come as I think of it.
Friday, February 09, 2007
I'm feeling fine...
Last night I did a showcase for Comedy Now. I must say, it went better than I had hoped for. All day I worked hard at treating the showcase in the most ambivalent of ways, (in my head…) in an attempt to circumvent the nervousness that accompanies these sorts of things.
Perhaps this is the sign of things to come. I shall not hold my breath, (Just in case…) but it looked promising. For the first time in a while, I feel like I put a foot forward and more importantly a foot back on the path. Touring and club dates are good, but getting my lazy creative ass moving again is even better. I like the feeling inside when the rust falls off.
I’ve got a bit of a second wind these days. This new (?) character I’ve built has come roaring out of the shadows like a wild banshee. I never expected to (Or thought that I would have ever really wanted to…) drag this quirky Newf out to play, but he seems to have taken over on stage. To me it’s almost like watching a Jack in the Box uncoil, except it seems a little faster and a whole lot louder.
The character seems to almost be writing its own material. After a somewhat frustrating spell, the levee has broken, and the good funny juices are flowing again. (Finally!!!) I’m hoping to start wringing out a whole new set very quickly. (With the same invective flavour, but fresher and with more down home pluck.)
This weekend is going to be really fun for me. I have four shows, all in the Calgary Yuks club, and I’m excited. It feels really good to be on stage these days; I like stretching out, and taking those moments to wander from trusted material. I now understand where George Lucas was coming from with the “force” because in a funny way, I can almost feel it. (Yes… I know that sounds retarded, but it’s true…) I’m a lot stronger than I‘ve been in a while; and more importantly there’s a sense in the air that momentum is building.
Perhaps this is the sign of things to come. I shall not hold my breath, (Just in case…) but it looked promising. For the first time in a while, I feel like I put a foot forward and more importantly a foot back on the path. Touring and club dates are good, but getting my lazy creative ass moving again is even better. I like the feeling inside when the rust falls off.
I’ve got a bit of a second wind these days. This new (?) character I’ve built has come roaring out of the shadows like a wild banshee. I never expected to (Or thought that I would have ever really wanted to…) drag this quirky Newf out to play, but he seems to have taken over on stage. To me it’s almost like watching a Jack in the Box uncoil, except it seems a little faster and a whole lot louder.
The character seems to almost be writing its own material. After a somewhat frustrating spell, the levee has broken, and the good funny juices are flowing again. (Finally!!!) I’m hoping to start wringing out a whole new set very quickly. (With the same invective flavour, but fresher and with more down home pluck.)
This weekend is going to be really fun for me. I have four shows, all in the Calgary Yuks club, and I’m excited. It feels really good to be on stage these days; I like stretching out, and taking those moments to wander from trusted material. I now understand where George Lucas was coming from with the “force” because in a funny way, I can almost feel it. (Yes… I know that sounds retarded, but it’s true…) I’m a lot stronger than I‘ve been in a while; and more importantly there’s a sense in the air that momentum is building.
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