Flamer!!!

I’ve been really enjoying the American sex scandal of the week. This whole congressman Mark Foley thing is funny. Very funny indeed. (Sure the man is a pedophile… but the reactionary blather is brilliant.) I love how people can pour gasoline over themselves, then light a match and say “What?” as if nothing strange was about to happen.

I also love the rich irony that a Republican congressman, who was elected on a family values platform, has been busted for wheeling underage pages from the assembly. How dumb can one man be? A little tip Mr. Foley… mackin’ on the lil’ biatches at work is generally frowned upon. Especially when your raunchy text message pops up on a cell phone with a hello kitty sticker on it. Chances are you’re fucked in the long run, and not in the way you intended. Even Michael Jackson is smart enough to keep it in the home. (And that guy is fucked!)

But what’s better than the initial scandal is the ugly backwash. Watching his contemporaries scatter like rats on a sinking ship is almost too delicious for words. Seeing fellow Republican sputter and try to react with some feigned sense of moral outrage was hysterical. Like they didn’t know. Right, and I’m the head of the Iranian Nuclear program. As if the Republican don’t have some sort of weekly circle jerk while they rub themselves with stacks of money.

“Oh Rumsey… I think I’m cumming…”

And then seeing Pat Robertson actually call Foley a “flamer” over and over again on TV just about made me cry. It was almost too funny. I think it actually broke my sense of humor. Every time he said it, it looked as if he was spitting out white vinegar and baking soda. (Like that shitty 5th grade volcano I made for the science fair…)“FLAMER!” Like he was a 12 year old, out by the bike racks waiting to bully the poor stupid bastard. “FLAMER!” like it physically hurt him to utter the word.

But then there’s nothing like a scandal to really rally the bigots. As if judgment was their own birthright. I find it funny when fundamentalists (a la 700 club…) cast the first stone. I’m willing to bet that with very little digging there’s some nasty shit they wouldn’t want aired out in public. (Would Jesus Approve? Likely not… unless Jesus was a hillbilly.

I’m willing to bet that Robertson has had a circle jerk of his own. Maybe not with his dick out (or maybe with… who knows… he hasn’t been caught yet…), but with his ego for sure.