I love Me A Good Wood Chipper...

I think it’s a real shame that popular entertainment has become about who’s living a more notorious lifestyle than who is good at what they do. Long gone are the days of talent being a necessity. I find it sad. I don’t give a shit who is fucking whom, or who can be the most obnoxious. For the love of God, Just sing or dance, or perhaps tell me a decent joke.

I think that we should be able to punish those entertainers that offend our entertainment sensibilities. In fact, I think I have a great idea… Given the success of shows like “American Idol”, (Which is likely the biggest, most enormous piece of festering bat guano ever conceived in the history of television...) I think it would be great if we could vote via our cell phones to see which “Star” (see oxygen thief…) we get to snuff out. The working title I have in mind is “Who Do You Want to Push Into A Wood Chipper?”

“If you wanna off that retarded himbo Ashton Kutcher then text Let’s murder the fucker! To 6666 on your cell phone...”

That would the best Punk’d episode in history.

Then I got to thinking, who would I want to put in the wood chipper?
So I came up with a list.

Here goes…

1) Donald Trump – His goofy hair alone should be enough for him to get stuffed in. Add the fact that his television show sucks, and the fact that he comes off as completely tacky and it definitely earns him a place on the list.
2) Simon Cowell – This man is likely the most ignorant cocksucker on the planet earth. If anyone ever treated me the way he treats people, I’d punch them right in the mouth. I wouldn’t even blink. That lack of respect for even the basest level of human dignity deserves nothing but utter contempt. Fuck the wood chipper, I’d shove a barrel of dynamite up his crapper and happily light the match.
3) Jessica Simpson – She should be euthenized, if only out of a sense of compassion. Anything that stupid should be put out of its misery. It’s a shame when wounded animals suffer.
4) Kevin Federline – As if the world wouldn’t be a better place if this hack became a member of the choir invisible. Seeing his desperate attempt to try and justify his meaningless existence, while exceptionally funny, is also a tragedy that no one should be forced to endure. If only he’d been satisfied with just being Mr. Spears. Oh well…
5) Jennifer Lopez – She’s like Rosie Perez but she talks gooder. Jenny from the block (And her alter ego… JLO) offered us the shittiest romantic comedies ever conceived. Watching her try an act her way out of a paper bag, is much like watching a mentally retarded poodle try and eat it’s own shit. Do not pass go, Do not collect 200 dollars, go directly to the wood chipper.
6) Pam Anderson – “I have Hep C… and I don’t know where I got it from’!” I’m willing to bet it was from fucking half the rock stars in North America. Pam Anderson can sniff out rock star cock like a truffle hog on a mushroom.
7) Andy Dick – Never has there ever been a bigger waste of skin. Truthfully a wood chipper is too good for him. I think he needs to be tied to the back of a pick up, then dragged through a cactus patch, then dipped in a vat of turpentine, then dumped in pit of used syringes (a la Saw 2…) then set on fire, doused, then set on fire again, then beaten with a golf cleat, then finally decapitated with a nail file.

The problem with this concept is that I could go on for days. Lemme know what you think. Who would you throw into a wood chipper?

That’s it for now. More to come later!