Vote for me!

I was walking on the Red Mile today, and I saw a sign that struck me as quite funny. It was for some fortuneteller / psychic. The sign said “85 percent accurate.” That had me in stitches. How on earth would claim that with any credibility? Is there some sort of survey or research metric that measures metaphysical / occult powers?

“On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your psychic on their ability to forecast that you will meet someone new, sometime, perhaps in the next couple of days, and that they may or may not begin a relationship with you, that might lead to happiness or tragedy?”

What a croc of shit! 85 percent accurate my foot. Ha… That’s as preposterous as saying “I invented wood.” or “The Brooklyn Bride was made by elves that lived on a steady diet of possum fat and lead paint” or better still “I had a gang bang with Britney Spears, Elton John, and the freshly exhumed body of Tupac Shakur.”

Don’t get me wrong; I love a good psychic as much as the next sucker. I’m always amused by their prognostications. I’m willing to spend the cash, but only if it’s going to be really outrageous. I went to one a couple of years ago, and she said I was going to become a successful lawyer. Better still, she said she saw me in public office. Me… Trust me when I say, nobody wants that. (It would get out of hand quickly…)

Try to imagine me as the Prime Minister. I would go from zero to corrupt so fast, it would be a land speed record. I would encourage call girls to help me run for office, and then give them cushy jobs within government ministries. Then I would invite world leaders to come for a visit, just so I could say, “You ain’t shit. My bitches run the whole fucking country for me aieeeeeght!”

I would use the Canada One jet to party! “Fuck you Doug Stanhope and fuck your Girls Gone Wild. I’ve got Stronach, and she is good to go! That’s just the way I roll.” I just know that Belinda would be in there like schmindere… (Sure she needs a little more “encouragement” than say a trucker cap or some beads, but the video would be worth it. Picture this “Parliamentarians Gone Wild…” It has a certain je ne sais quoi! Don’t you think?) This Prime Minister has got skills and game!

I would also decommission the RCMP in favor of letting bikers run the show with reckless abandon. Thugs are thugs as far as I’m concerned, and hell these guys are more ambitious to my way of thinking. Besides no one wants to fuck with bikers… Hey… I’m just thinking about the general public’s safety. After the Maher Arar fuck up, it’s obvious it’s time for a change. Radical times call for radical solutions.

I would sell citizenship to the highest bidders. Of course, my office would have to get a piece. Buying the support of my detractors is tricky business and requires some serious flow. This brother’s got bills to pay.

Oh… and of course I can be bought… If you want permission to move Canadian jobs to Sri Lanka, then you’ve got to line my pocket with “dead prime ministers.” You want me to “forget” about Kyoto targets, then gimme the green. Yes indeed, I can be bought.

Then again, most of this doesn’t sound that different than the status quo. (Well except for the bikers, but I’m willing to bet Harper’s been thinking about it!)

Anyhoo the moral of the story is this… Psychics are hokey! And Ahem… Vote for Me!
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