“When there’s nothing left to lose, you’d better set yourself on fire…” – Stars 2005
I’m feeling a lot better today. I’ve decided to make some changes in my lifestyle, and give myself a little make over in the process. There’s nothing like a little tune up to get the motor revving again.
I guess that recognizing the problem is part of the cure. I’ve been feeling stale, and now I have the motivation to get the ball rolling again. As I wrote last night, I realized that I had strayed from the ideals and values that I hold closest. The spirit of DIY had slipped away from my consciousness, and I pretended that I didn’t notice.
But it’s easier to pretend than admit that you’ve been run over. The land of make believe is a sneaky and brilliant way of accepting that denial is a healthy state to be in. It however is the coward’s path. (And it seems a path that’s taken too often by too man people…)
In some ways I’ve been a ghost of who I am. That really sucks. I can’t believe that I let that happen. Somewhere along the way I let my character slip a little. I’m a strongly opinionated and passion driven person. It’s time to prove it again. (To me…)
Since I was about 15 years old, the punk rock ethic was my code. I believed in it, and with that I succeeded at the things I put my hand to. That along with sheer moxie got me into film school, and convinced me that I could do anything I wanted to.
It was my divining rod. It highlighted the path I wanted to take with my life. Somewhere along the way I confused growing up with leaving that behind. That was a critical mistake on my part. Not that I want to be Sid Vicious at 35. That would be a different kind of mistake. (A gruesome one at that…)
As of today, that confusion is gone. I am refocused. While the combat boots and blue hair are gone, (Although I just can’t seem to part with those old high top Vans…) I am reinvigorated. I may lead headlong into harm, but now it’s back on my terms. I am no longer satisfied. I’m hungry again. Even as I type this, I feel a little imbibed.
When I was in Toronto last year, I saw a glimmer of that ethic. It reared its head ever so slightly. I was motivated. I was writing, and I was happy. Both my ID and Ego were charged and ready to go. As of today, its all systems go.
Bring on the scotch, the rock star is back… and this time he’s pissed.
“Second star to the right, and sail on till morning…”
3 comments:
well now i can actually say..yes marcus you are back!
Marcus,
I would never fight with my dear Ms. Chardonney. She understands me. We love each other and are going to be together forever, no matter what anyone says.
Perhaps we need to get together with our beloved Mr. Scotch and Ms. Chardonney in attendance. It would be sure to be a rewarding evening, as they've always gotten along swimmingly in their few previous encounters. I'm thinking that not only would we be royally entertained, but we may solve all the world's problems as well!
Check your calendar - I think mine's clear.
xoxo,
D.
I knew if I could get Mr. Scotch to apologize everything would work out in the end. So happy to hear you're back!
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